I’m sharing my story because I want to help people who are trying to transition from addiction into recovery. For me, it was a difficult, lonely journey over many years. There was no lightbulb moment, no saintly figure who inspired me, and I want others who choose to follow a similar path, to know they are not alone.

When I look at my past, my home should have been a safe space for me. It never was. Alcohol was a huge part of my growing-up with my mum and my stepdad. I had three brothers. The people around my mum, she cared for others more than she did us. Not much love, not much maternal instinct from my mother. She drank every night. Stepdad drank every single night. Arguments, fighting, poverty. We were feral really.  

My first experience of drugs was cannabis at 16. I was into everything. LSD, amphetamines, pills, anything - all available in pubs. A lot of my friends on the estate where I lived took heroin. I first took heroin at 20. I started taking two times a week. Then it was three times a week. And then it became every day. It wasn’t as widespread then, and you’re relying on someone to get it for you and people mess you about left, right and centre.

I was troubled, but I was always active and I had a job running a taxi and working for the post office.

A woman rang me up and asked me to get some codeine linctus. I’d never heard of it at the time, it’s a cough medicine and an opium. That’s why chemists and pharmacists are reluctant to sell it to you.  The boss said “No”, but I rang the woman back and she said “If you can get me a bottle I’ll give you £60”. I ended-up taking people around the country to get codeine linctus.

As I got into using heroin more, I found there were more and more people on the estate also using who were having difficulty getting it. So I started buying in bulk and dealing. It was then a business as well as a habit. More of a niche business as it wasn’t as widespread then. It was profitable and would have been even more so if I wasn’t using.

I had dealt heroin for about five years with no problem, but the landscape was changing and you couldn’t trust anybody. It was a different world. People ripped people off. I don’t know if I was being grassed-up but I was getting pulled-up more and more by the police. You couldn’t trust anyone.

Drugs were available in prison, they couldn’t stop it. But by the time when I came out, I hadn’t used for 2-3 months. Then within days I was out and back in a relationship I didn’t want to be in and that’s when I was introduced to crack cocaine. That took me in a different, darker direction.

Heroin, I thought, gave me peace. With crack cocaine, you can never get enough of it. I started doing all sorts of crime to pay for it. Burglary, theft, dealing, shoplifting, anything to get money to pay for drugs. You hate yourself. You tell yourself, “Here I am again”, but you can’t stop.

My life had fallen apart; my house, my life, my kids, everything. You could see the path of destruction leaving behind but it doesn’t stop you. You really feel it. Every day you feel it. And you think, how can I stop this. How can I change? Even if you want to, you never do. You’re powerless.

So many times I remember sitting with Heroin and saying “Tomorrow I’m going to change”, but you realise that’s not it. I’ve just stopped taking Heroin, right? But that’s not enough. You see the police sitting outside your door and I didn’t want to go to jail, I wanted a life. Just constantly seeing the destruction around you, the stress. How can I change me? And I had no idea. So you just carry on.

This had gone on for 20 odd years, but there were some periods in my life that were good. I had been in different relationships. Did some voluntary work. Was a hospital DJ. But I was always a troubled person and people could see that.

I met a great girl. She gave me a daughter – I always wanted a daughter. When she was born, I went to celebrate. So I went over to this guy to get some cannabis. He didn’t have no cannabis, but he had some brown [heroin]. And I remember my girlfriend at the time said “please don’t take any”. I said, “It’s just one bag, man. What’s one bag?” So I had one bag, right? And then, you know, I was back within a week. Back on, flat out again.

That’s not all of my story, but it’s why I am using my lived experience as Via Service User Involvement lead, to help and support others like me through the darkness.

My recovery has bought me incredible things. It’s given me my inner peace. I see my children today. I’m proud of them.

It’s why people need to be aware. To be mindful that it only takes that one time.

One time that can take you on a road trip to Hell.